Do I Have What It Takes?

Infertility has really been a humbling experience for me. Thank goodness I have Kirk and our wonderful families and friends to get me through it.  

I am an extrovert. I will tell you almost anything if you ask me.. and even if you don't ask most of the time. I can't help it. It's something I want to work on--haven't started yet--but plan to someday. ;) Often what ends up happening is, something good happens.. not final, not the end.. but a step in the right direction. I know I shouldn't tell anyone about this step in the right direction.. because what if it doesn't work out? It will be so hard and then not only will I have to go through the pain once, but then again every time I tell the people I wasn't supposed to tell the thing to in the first place. But.. I say to myself, 'I need all the support and prayers I can get.. so I have to tell them! It would be silly not to.' You follow? This is my life with infertility. 

We have received correspondence from two different birth mothers in the past two weeks!  It has been an absolute answer to our prayers, and has renewed our hopes beyond anything I could imagine. We have been trying to adopt for almost two years. Now it's possible that we haven't worked as hard as some couples do to find our baby, but we have been trying and putting a lot into our efforts.  This last week is the first time that a birth mother has contacted us personally during our entire time in the adoption 'pool'. I was beginning to think there was something seriously wrong with us :)  

We corresponded several times with this birth couple in the past week.  We are so impressed with them. They seem so mature, and smart, and level-headed, and fun, and too good to be true really.  They are having a baby girl in September.. a baby girl... it is too good to be true.  Well actually yes, yes it is.  They informed us today that they have decided to place their baby girl with another family.  boo.  tears. heartbreak.

Now, I know that the Lord is in charge, and that the right baby is going to come to us, and that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.  But how many more times can I lay my heart out like this?  With each correspondence and question the birth couple asked, Kirk and I spent at least an hour carefully considering our answers, and trying so hard to make sure that we came across as 'ourselves', that we were sensitive and careful in our responses. It was absolutely exhausting.  We fasted, we prayed, we felt good... apprehensive because we knew nothing was decided... but good. We were so excited.  I actually had a little bounce in my step, for the first time in I don't know.. a year? This could have been it as far as our feelings were concerned.  

Maybe I'm over reacting a smidgen, but I just don't know how I'm supposed to keep putting my heart and soul into this process, only to have it rejected time and time again.  How am I supposed to keep doing this? How? I want to be a mother so, so badly. Kirk wants to be a father so, so badly.  It is completely impossible to describe how we ache for this. 

I just don't get it.