Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Do I Have What It Takes?

Infertility has really been a humbling experience for me. Thank goodness I have Kirk and our wonderful families and friends to get me through it.  


I am an extrovert. I will tell you almost anything if you ask me.. and even if you don't ask most of the time. I can't help it. It's something I want to work on--haven't started yet--but plan to someday. ;) Often what ends up happening is, something good happens.. not final, not the end.. but a step in the right direction. I know I shouldn't tell anyone about this step in the right direction.. because what if it doesn't work out? It will be so hard and then not only will I have to go through the pain once, but then again every time I tell the people I wasn't supposed to tell the thing to in the first place. But.. I say to myself, 'I need all the support and prayers I can get.. so I have to tell them! It would be silly not to.' You follow? This is my life with infertility. 

We have received correspondence from two different birth mothers in the past two weeks!  It has been an absolute answer to our prayers, and has renewed our hopes beyond anything I could imagine. We have been trying to adopt for almost two years. Now it's possible that we haven't worked as hard as some couples do to find our baby, but we have been trying and putting a lot into our efforts.  This last week is the first time that a birth mother has contacted us personally during our entire time in the adoption 'pool'. I was beginning to think there was something seriously wrong with us :)  

We corresponded several times with this birth couple in the past week.  We are so impressed with them. They seem so mature, and smart, and level-headed, and fun, and too good to be true really.  They are having a baby girl in September.. a baby girl... it is too good to be true.  Well actually yes, yes it is.  They informed us today that they have decided to place their baby girl with another family.  boo.  tears. heartbreak.

Now, I know that the Lord is in charge, and that the right baby is going to come to us, and that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.  But how many more times can I lay my heart out like this?  With each correspondence and question the birth couple asked, Kirk and I spent at least an hour carefully considering our answers, and trying so hard to make sure that we came across as 'ourselves', that we were sensitive and careful in our responses. It was absolutely exhausting.  We fasted, we prayed, we felt good... apprehensive because we knew nothing was decided... but good. We were so excited.  I actually had a little bounce in my step, for the first time in I don't know.. a year? This could have been it as far as our feelings were concerned.  

Maybe I'm over reacting a smidgen, but I just don't know how I'm supposed to keep putting my heart and soul into this process, only to have it rejected time and time again.  How am I supposed to keep doing this? How? I want to be a mother so, so badly. Kirk wants to be a father so, so badly.  It is completely impossible to describe how we ache for this. 

I just don't get it.


19 comments:

Birgitta said...

You do have what it takes. You are an amazingly strong person. I'm so sorry you keep getting your heart stepped on. I'm just aching for you. Know that we love you very much.

Kathy said...

You expressed your self very well in that post. Yes you have what it takes! Both to be a good mother and to be a good "saint" during this tremendeous trial. The Lord is in it, if only to give "Peace" for now. We LOVE you and pray for you both.

Danielle said...

I hope you don't tire of hearing through all of these comments that you do have what it takes. Telling you that I understand this ache, will not take the ache away. We will continue to pray for you and your heart, and for these babies to come your way!!

I love you mucho!

WalkConkies said...

Oh Heather, I am so sorry! Sometimes it is so hard to believe that the Lord only gives us challenges that we can handle, but I know that He does! Of course, sometimes those challenges are so great that we can only handle them by letting Him carry them for us. I'm so grateful that you know that too. You are such an amazing person and I know that the blessings will come! We will keep praying they come soon! Love ya tons!

Lea Ann said...

Because I have NO idea what this might be like for you, I have no advice to give, but I do have LOVE. And my LOVE and PRAYERS go out to you and Kirk and my hope that you will be blessed soon. I wish I could do more. I hate to see you ( one of the sweetest girls I know) have your heart broken.

Melanie said...

Heather, I don't think you are overreacting at all. My heart aches for you and Kirk too and I know your aching is a 100 times what mine is for you. We pray for you every night. You have what it takes and you'll be a wonderful mother, I just know it.

Kimberly said...

All I can say is that SUCKS. I don't get it either. I am so amazed with the two of you and your support. You take every blow with such resilliancy. I love you so much and am still praying for you!

Audrey said...

I'm so sorry. I think there are some things in life that push us to what we think are our limits. We each have these various trials that push us to these points. I feel so badly for you though. It must be heartbreaking. I hope something wonderful and exciting happens soon though!

Lori said...

Oh Heather....I'm so sorry. I know your heart must be aching but you definetly have what it takes. It's coming....hold on!

Cale and Sharon said...

I totally understand how you feel. We tried for going on 10 years to have a baby. We even talked with LDS family services. In the end we went the foster adopt route. If you need some one to talk to that understands drop me a line. I would love to chat with you.
caleandsharon@gmail.com

Sarah Rowley said...

Heather,

Hang in there! Of course I don't know what you are going through, but I know that YOUR children will come to you when they get here. They will be precious and wonderful and all YOURS! I love you and think you are amazing and definitely have what it takes!

Harding Family said...

Heather, I'm in tears for you right now. I just had baby number 2and I want you to have what we have. I want you to know how much I love you. I know this sounds silly-but I would be a surrogate mother for you in a heart beat; that's how much I love you. YOU are going to get the best and most perfect baby. You are in our prayers daily.

esperanza said...

You obviously are strong enough but how extremely difficult! We are all rooting for you~.

Derek said...

No answers, just prayers.

Amanda said...

I ache for you, and I pray for you. And I don't know exactly how to answer your question. I know for everyone the pain of infertility is different, but if you ever want someone to talk to about it, feel free to call me.

Mandy Rasmussen said...

I have been following your moms blog. It's been fun! I wanted you to know that we have posted your adoption button on our family blog. We hope a baby comes your way soon! You are in our prayers!

Samantha and Tyrel Ross said...

You are in our prayers and am keeping my eyes and ears open for you two! Love you both!!

Josie said...

yuck. my heart is breaking. i am so sorry, heather.

sometimes this "plan of happiness" plan doesn't seem so happy. my prayers are with you.

VW said...

Hi Heather, my sister Amanda is trying IVF this month and we're all hoping it works. I've been sad to hear from your mom that you've also had a long wait for children. Buck up, you're going to be a great mom, and maybe you'll be more patient than me since you had to develop patience before the kiddos arrived. And I stopped by your adoption button - wow, you're so pretty! Great haircut :-) I'd love to see you sometime when you visit ML. We're settled in Spokane Valley now and make the drive to my mom's house frequently. - VaLynn